I'm laying in bed and I'm having the hardest time falling asleep! I have so many thoughts rushing around in my head (plus my feet are cold)! So many conversations keep playing out in my head, which are causing waves of anxiety to just smother me, and the common theme here is REAL.
Four letters which have been plaguing me lately... REAL!
From a very young age, it occurred to me that I would gain praise by being well behaved and happy. If I was sweet and helpful and happy, then the people around me (my family) would be happy and the cycle would continue. I very rarely chucked tantrums, and I'd do what ever I was asked to do, just so my mum (in particular) would be happy, and so my self-imposed role of 'people pleaser' began!
I never knew my dad growing up (we're great friends now) and I was terrified to ask any questions, as I thought this may be a topic which might make mum unhappy. As a result, I spent a lot of time feeling incredibly confused!
"The kids at school tell me I have to have a dad... but I don't?"
"Who is my dad and why isn't he here?"
"Did he leave because I was an ugly baby?"
My questions started off quite innocent, but after years of internalizing them (because I NEVER actually uttered a word of these thoughts to my dear mum... who now I'm sure would have answered them if only I'd asked), they manifested into this massive cause of anger and rage and frustration, which I masterfully contained inside of me behind my laugh and smile. Only very rarely would any of my true feeling be revealed, because I didn't want to make anyone unhappy or feel uncomfortable. I knew that if I was happy and bubbly and played the part of 'Little Miss Sunshine' then everyone around me would be ok! I mean, my name means 'angel' for a reason right?!
It wasn't until I was in my mid twenties that I really started to explore the world and my true personality! I started traveling (on my own) when I was 23 and I've never really looked back since! I remember one day when I was walking down the street in Cairns and I had an epiphany! It struck me like a lightening bolt!
"No one here knows me... no one knows who I am at home... I can be whoever I want to be here! AMAZING!!!!"
It was so liberating! It was like I was walking ten feet tall from that moment on and my confidence was soaring!
I took this moment with me and have really tried to live by this! As a person I still don't think I've changed that much. I am still a very caring person and I think it's in my nature to be sensitive to people's needs and provide things that I think they want (people pleaser!). This is a skill I am very grateful for as it has helped me to be a successful designer, and I have many happy clients! My problems have arisen of late though because I have just stepped back from an incredible time, in a huge city, where I had plenty of freedom to express myself and I was surrounded by situations and people who I found to be incredibly stimulating... and now I'm home, and inside my heart is crying, it's hungry for that glimpse of possibility! Yet I'm sensing (from the reactions around me) that now more than ever it's very important to put on that happy face!
So what's going on with people? Do we really know the people around us?
How many people sensor their adult behaviors and attitudes from their families or certain friendship groups? I know I certainly do both of those things!
Have you ever formed a friendship with someone online, and when you meet them in person you catch glimpses of that amazing person you know, but are quite shocked when you see how they alter their behavior in the 'REAL' world?
I guess it's what humans do to survive! But my inner battle tonight is:
'What is more important? Keepin it 'REAL' to yourself, or keepin it 'REAL' to your surroundings?' When it comes down to it, what's going to get you further in life and truly make you happier?
I love this phrase 'Keepin it REAL!'. I used to have a house mate at uni, and every time I'd ask how he was doing, with a big smile on his face he'd tell me 'Keepin it real Ange! Keepin it real!' I sort of picked up that on some days that meant he was great, and on other days he was struggling! But every time I asked, it was always that great smile and always that same phrase!
I'm very fortunate that I'm able to get a lot of my true emotions out through my art! Sometimes I'm quiet shocked by some of the pieces I design, as on the surface, I'm not that raunchy 'Sex Bomb!' at all! But when I'm designing I remind myself to let go of any fear, of any opinions the general public might have, and I just design what feels true! This is what I do and people LOVE my designs! My family and my friends really love (or they tell me they do) to see who I am through my art!
I have just discovered (while writing this) that I have to: let go of the fear; be honest to 'ME!', and, be honest to those around me! If they don't enjoy me being 'REAL' then they need to adjust their view of me, or I guess they will tend to fade from my life... as sad as that can be, sometimes viewing reality can cause this to happen.
My affirmations are:
"I live my life truthfully and authentically!"
"I always feel free to express myself, and encourage others to do the same!"
"I attract loving, caring people into my life, for they are a mirror for what I am!"
*These affirmations have been inspired by the words of Louise L. Hay
Well it's certainly time for me to go to sleep now... sweet dreams and sparkly skies!
Angie xxx
